Books: The Hobbit

Elves...

Dwarves...

Wizards...

Goblins...

Riddle-solving Dragons...

and Hobbits.

What exactly is a hobbit, you ask?

I just read J.R.R. Tolkien's book, The Hobbit, and as excellent as it was...

I honestly couldn't tell you.

It's like... A... Little person-thing...

It's that guy in the middle of what looks like a hobo convention. 

So... a hobbit is a dwarf whose main source of hair is on his feet instead of on his face.

Got it? No?

Doesn't matter.

The Hobbit starts off with this ... Hobbit named Bilbo Baggins. He's very proper, well-mannered, and comfortable being by himself in what is called his 'hobbit-hole.' It's his house, okay? And like me, when people come in and start touching my stuff, he gets agitated.

I don't care if you slightly resemble a mellowed-down Dumbledore. Don't just barge into my house and start lighting up. You look like you smell and that pipe isn't helping anyone.

A group of dwarves and the wizard Gandalf show up on this poor guy's doorstep and whisk him away on an adventure. It went something like this:

"Mister Baggins, we'd like you to join us on our journey!"

"Ah, where to? Are we going to skip through the fields, being merry and jolly and sing songs from the land of the happy tree fairies?"

"No, we're gonna steal some riches from some dragon. You might die."

"Wait- what?"

"Yeah. You might not even make it to the dragon himself. We just know that hobbits are very good burglars, so we're pushing you into that stereotype and making you come along with us."

"So you come into my house, wreck my shit, eat my food, and disturb the town to tell me I'm going to break into some one else's house and basically do the same thing?"

"Yep."

"What do I get out of this!? This is so dangerous... You guys are messed up."

"Gold." 

"I'm in!"

After that, they set off on their perilous journey to the mountains far away, housing the evil Smaug. Well, we don't know whether he was actually evil or, you know, was just not one who liked people taking his stuff, which seems kind of reasonable.

"My bubbles."

No- but in all seriousness, this story is a classic. Tolkien has woven an entire world out of pure imagination, from the characters to their languages and even the history of Middle Earth. 

I have never read Lord of the Rings, the follow-up trilogy to The Hobbit, but I've seen at least 2 of the movies and the stories are so intricate, it's amazing how one person could come up with all of it.

Certain scenes from The Hobbit really took my breath away. First of all, there was the part where the team runs into the goblins. And by 'runs into,' I mean they were sleeping in this cave when goblins literally crawled out from a crack in the wall and dragged them into the cave.

Rude. 

But the situation was intense, and the development of Bilbo's character throughout the story is so drastic- he's thrust into so many dangers that by the end, he's basically a knight in shining armor.

He makes his nephew, Frodo (who is the protagonist in LoTR), look like a little bitch.

Bilbo outsmarts a creepy Golem-thing, sneaks away from goblins, kicks the asses of many a giant spider, and throws riddles at a psychotic dragon LIKE A BOSS. (In one book, mind you.)

Frodo, well... He... He, um...

I mean, come on- this looks like an ad for Kay Jeweler's. 

The Hobbit is the perfect epic, wrapping together all aspects of a hero and his journey. Lessons are learned, friends are made and lost, and magical beings populate every page. Tolkien is surely a brilliant storyteller, and I'm sure that hobbits will be remembered for a very, very long time.

... Mostly considering the fact that the 300-page book will be made into a trilogy starting this holiday season.

Exactly.

I am definitely going to see these movies, since Peter Jackson is a visual master in his films. But I seriously recommend this book to those who haven't read it yet. You won't be disappointed.

Music: Three Days Grace- Transit of Venus

Selling more than 6 million records in the US, Three Days Grace has swept the Billboard charts with hit singles like "I Hate Everything About You," "Home," "Animal I Have Become," and more. 

Their fourth studio album, Transit of Venus, was released on October 2, 2012, and for those of you who didn't like their third album, I can tell you this: TDG is back, and rocking harder than ever.

For me, TDG has been a really great band since they started with their debut self-titled, platinum-selling album in 2003. I was introduced to their music after the release of their (also) platinum-selling sophomore album, 2006's One-X. That album, even now, is one of my all-time favorites. There's not a song on there that I don't like, and it immediately made me love the band.

Three Days Grace is: Barry Stock (lead guitar), Neil Sanderson (drums, piano, backing vocals), Adam Gontier (lead vocals, rhythm guitar), and Brad Walst (bass guitar). 

Their first single off this new album, "Chalk Outline," reached #1 at Active Rock on September 17, 2012. It's definitely one of the best tracks on the album. Lead vocalist Adam Gontier's stinging, raspy voice hits hard on every track, as he always has for years.

Other tracks, like the opening track "Sign of the Times," "Misery Loves My Company," and "Unbreakable Heart" are all hard-hitting songs that are sure to get you pumped up. Three Days Grace has always been in-your-face, raw, and totally kick-ass. They most definitely haven't let down with this album, and will most definitely not let down for years to come.

Movies: Underworld: Awakening

It's been twelve years since Selene has kicked the hairy ass of a lycan, and she'd due for some more badassery. Time to slip into that leather suit and shrug into that trench coat, because another mediocre sequel is here.

No matter how closely that "Lycan" resembles King Kong and the Yeti's lovechild, Kate Beckinsale will never stop being hot. Ever.

"But Ryan this movie was crap and came out like ten thousand years ago"

"But viewer I never said I'd be reviewing movies the moment they come out and who cares, they're always fun to watch, you silly goose."

Except for this one. Why make a prequel about the original war when Selene describes it at the beginning of every other Underworld movie... 

And why do the shadows behind him on the wall look like Pikachu? 

Important questions.

2012's Underworld: Awakening throws you into the thick of the three-way war between the vampires, the lycans, and the humans. Selene is planning to flee the fighting with her lover, Michael, when he decides that getting shot and falling into the ocean will help them at all.

Selene: "Oh, they're still shooting at us! Let me jump in as well instead of kicking the bad guys' asses!"

So they get blown up, and she wakes up a dozen years later.

Apparently, you can give birth while cryogenically frozen and have no idea that you just pushed a baby out of your body. Selene soon finds out that "suspect 1" is not Michael, but HER DAUGHTER.

dun dun duuuun...

Her daughter (whose name escapes me but I'm too lazy to go look it up) is also a hybrid, and is basically more badass than everyone else. 

She's a hybrid, yet she never changes into an actual vampire/lycan like Michael does in every other movie.

She is jut a young girl with anger issues. And fangs and claws and blue skin.

Female preteen Nightcrawler?

No, she's still more badass than he is.

OK, I'm not here to summarize the movie for you. I just get carried away with this stuff.

Altogether, this movie isn't a complete waste of time. It's a fun movie to watch, nothing to be taken too seriously, nothing to win awards for. This series is much more tolerable than the Resident Evil movies, I can say that for sure... 

None of these pictures came out clear. The quality of these photographs are just as crappy as these movies are becoming. Seriously, what is this- the sixth movie? I stopped watching after the one with her clones.

This is how I felt.

Conclusion: Underworld 4 isn't a great movie. It's fun to watch, but that's pretty much it. So watch it, but don't expect too much from it. Like with basically any other series, the first one is the best.

Well, there's Kate Beckinsale, too. You can't go wrong with Kate Beckinsale.

Movies: Taken 2

He trained the Dark Knight.

He wielded a lightsaber.

He sat amongst gods.

He also did a bunch of other badass things.

He is Liam Neeson.

He's most likely pondering over the secrets of life.

In 2009, Neeson graced the silver screen with numerous murders of those who have sold innocent young girls into the sex trade. Taken was a hit, making over 220 million dollars worldwide. Liam's famous threatening speech to his daughter's kidnappers were reiterated countless times by fans, and in no time at all, the movie and the actor were household names.

For me, the best Liam Neeson movie (as a main character) was 2011's The Grey, in which he and and a group of bickering oil rig workers make their way through the biting cold of Alaska's merciless snowstorms while being hunted by a pack of wolves. As you can probably assume, Neeson is in his comfort zone, being a skilled huntsman and taking control of the disagreeing group. In a nutshell, he kicked ass, and the wolves should have been afraid of him.

You KNOW shit's going down.

As for this month's sequel to Taken, I can honestly say that it sucked.

Hard.

When the main character starts making crappy jokes about how awesome he is, you know this movie isn't about to be taken seriously. Taken 2 involves Liam Neeson's character having to save his family.

Again.

Only this time, it's his wife (and himself) being taken instead of his half-naked 30-year-old teenage daughter. Seriously, Maggie Grace. You're cute and you have a great body, but you're not fooling anyone. Plus, you're trying to get your license during the film, yet when your dad tells you to drive the two of you away from a crime scene, you somehow magically know how to drive.

Likely story. I'd send us into a 7-11 and we'd all be dead. 

At least that'd mean no more sequels.

But seriously- this movie had so much potential. But the fight scenes were too choppy and held enough cut-scenes for every movie in history to borrow, the script was beyond embarrassing, and-

SPOILER ALERT (sort of, I guess)

- and the end was EXACTLY as anticlimactic as the first movie's, if not worse. That's all I'll give y'all.

Plus, at one point, Neeson's daughter in the movie is pretending to go all Assassin's Creed on us and leap from rooftop to rooftop. Bitch couldn't even look while she threw a total of what had to be three or four grenades to signal to her father. Mind you, she was in the middle of A POPULATED CITY.

Like I said, bitch said she couldn't even drive a car, and she's trying to be Liam Neeson.

Even Liam Neeson's trying to be Liam Neeson. He is doing exactly what Chuck Norris did to himself in The Expendables 2 and crack jokes about himself. There's humor, which the first Taken had a bit of, but then there's: shut the hell up, we get it. 

So to conclude, Taken 2 was a half-assed rehash of a great movie that copied basically everything from its predecessor. Only The Hangover Part II could pull that off. Liam, let's just stick to different, non-sequel movies... Except for Batman.

Always choose Batman.